When It Hits the Fan

Anyone who has ever planned a wedding themselves can tell you that it is far from the smoothest experience you could ever hope to share with your soon-to-be-spouse. In some ways, planning a wedding can become one of the toughest tests of a marriage, and the vast majority happens before you're even actually married. Planning a wedding is like the Olympics of a relationship. There are so many different areas that can put any couple, no matter how strong, to the test. I'm sure that many marriages would have probably lasted much longer if the couple had planned the wedding differently. I don't mean if they picked lilies instead of roses or vanilla instead of chocolate cake; I'm talking about the process. On the other hand, I am equally as sure that many relationships have actually become incredibly strong because of the wedding planning process. I want mine to be the latter for sure, but navigating through all of the different potential pitfalls can be a nightmare, and if you don't have the patience or the communication skills, planning a wedding yourself can turn into a disaster. If you really think about it, planning a wedding touches on each of the most important aspects of a marriage, and each one of these areas is often cited as one of the main reasons marriages fail.

Family: Planning a wedding is the ultimate test in dealing with each others family. Luckily for my fiancee and I, we both have very good relationships with our future in-laws. I have nothing but respect and love for her parents and she feels the same way about mine. We are both very close to our families, so we lucked out in this area. However, that doesn't mean that there still aren't problems created during the planning process. It all starts with the invite list. Who's coming to the wedding from each side of the family? Is it lop-sided? Do we let Cousin Bob bring his new mail-order bride? Is my fiancee's grandma going to be upset when she has to talk to my crazy Uncle Billy about his hatred for big government and his overwhelming urge to start his own militia? Who knows? The bottom line is that the wedding is the first (and thankfully only) time when both of your families come together as a whole. Of course this can cause problems, but it's also a great way to get everything out in the open. A good marriage should start with a clean slate and a closet without skeletons. Having the whole family there is a great way to get it all out on the table for the world to see. It's a way of saying "this is where I came from, and these are my people; weird, dysfunctional, or whatever they may be, this is my family, and it's now yours too." The invitations are the first hurdle, but the biggest is the seating chart for the reception. Choosing who people will be eating their meal with and spending the night talking too is huge and without the right amount of strategy it can turn into a real nightmare. When my fiancee and I sat down to make the seating chart, we tried to pair people with like personalities together, sometimes regardless of family. A wedding is about two families coming together too, so this is a great way to facilitate that, if it's possible. At first everyone seems so different, but after you're really forced to sit down and think about, you realize that your guests share a lot more than you realized. If you can learn to accept the fact that families are sometimes a little odd (and sometimes bat-shit crazy) you can use the wedding and reception to put the "fun" back in dysfunction!

Friends: If you're anything like me, your friends are your family. I have few friends, and the ones that I do have mean the world to me, quirks and all. The same issues that you'll have to deal with concerning family will inevitably come up when dealing with friends. Again, luckily for my fiancee and I, we both get along with each others friends, so we've kind of dodged a bullet with friends and family.

Finances: This is a big one. My first suggestion to anyone planning a wedding is to make the budget the first step in the planning process; before you pick the place, the date, any of that. I know that it might not sound like the most romantic way to approach a wedding (my fiancee thinks that I'm WAY too practical sometimes, which I am) but it is definitely going to be the biggest source of friction between the two of you. There will inevitably be things you'll want to spend money on that your spouse won't. While she'd rather spend $1,000 on MORE flowers, I would (hypothetically speaking of course) rather hire a 3-piece mariachi band to play a little "Tequila" at the reception (C'MON!!! It's Mexico!). One of the most important things you can do is develop a budget and stick to it. Once you max out an area, drop it and move on. This can help cut down on some disagreements, not to mention it's great practice for your future as a married couple with shared finances. This is a great way to see how fiscally responsible (or irresponsible) your spouse-to-be is. Despite her leanings toward the finer things in life, my fiancee and I have been very budget-minded for this wedding, and I'm happy to say that as of now, we are actually a little under budget, which, of course, we don't expect to last very much longer. But communicating about finances has helped us be comfortable with the wedding that we're having. We've had to make some sacrifices, but they were made for the greater good of our future, and we're perfectly ok with that.

These are probably the biggest hurdles you'll face while planning a wedding. There's also a ton of other areas that can test a couple. You may think the centerpieces look like they came from a funeral home. She may think your tequila bar and cigar-rolling station are a little over-the-top. The bottom line is that you both must remember that, no matter the hype, it's ONE day. Sacrifice, bend but don't break, and most importantly, talk to each other about what's important. Chances are the real good stuff lies down the road with the feeling of the keys to your first house dropped in your hands; or the night you bring your first baby home. Although the wedding stuff may seem like the most important thing in the world at times, it's one day in a whole bunch of days as a family. If you give a little here and there, the true reward is seeing how happy your partner can be.

So for god sakes, let the guy have a mariachi band.

There's No I in Wedding...Oh Wait

Well folks, here I am again, and this time it's only been a month or so since my last post! Much better than the previous 3 month gap, but still pretty pathetic. As you probably guessed the lapse in posts means that the magical day is getting closer and closer! Now with only 50 days left until the big day we are finally in, as the brave men and women who fight for our country like to say, "the shit." Believe me, I have the utmost respect for the soldiers who fight for our country, so I am, in no way, attempting to cheapen the experiences that they have. All I'm saying is that there have been quite a few nights here lately where my fiancee and I have spent hours pouring over emails, pictures, budget spreadsheets, and countless other pieces of random paperwork; only to look over and see the other person with "the thousand yard stare." Quite frankly, we underestimated (somewhat vastly) the whole process of planning a destination wedding ourselves. You see, wedding planning is kind of like one of those Russian nesting dolls; but instead of another beautifully painted doll inside of the doll you just opened, there's really just a bunch of checklists to finish and bills that need to be paid. Then you finish all of those, and there's more flowers to pick out and goodie bags to make, and etc., etc., ad nauseum. When we first decided to tackle this beast ourselves we figured it'd be a great way to use our personal strengths and band together in our first act as a real family; now that this intimate little beach wedding has been zapped and turned into Frankenwedding, it's put us to the test both as individuals and as a couple.

One of the reasons I love my bride-to-be is her attitude. She doesn't like rules; never has. She wants what she wants and generally when she wants it, and once she sets her mind on something she chugs full steam ahead until she gets it. I, on the other hand, am a rule follower. I yield; I stay off the grass; if the women's restroom at a bar is open but the men's is full, I'll wait. Don't get me wrong, being an only child and a Leo, I also like to get what I want and when I want it; I'm just much more calculated about it. I'll wait for what I think is the right time to strike and then make my move. She's Leatherface with a chainsaw; I'm Hannibal Lecter with a scalpel. Obviously, this makes for some pretty messy situations. But throughout this planning process we've learned that we work pretty well as a team. When we need blunt-force, no negotiating, our way or the highway, I turn her loose on our wedding coordinator in Mexico. When we need rational, pragmatic and persuasive arguments, it's me you'll see on the mic. The bottom line is that, no matter what, this whole process is definitely teaching us how to work together as a team to trouble-shoot and problem-solve, and I think that's a lot of what marriage is ultimately about. You can have all of the passion in the world, but the bottom line is that a lot of what being married is about is the day-to-day and the detritus that comes with it. If you can't learn how to work together to make sure those little problems remain little problems, then all the passion in the world isn't going to save you.

Working your way through life's little bumps and twists and turns may not seem sexy, but when you realize that you have someone in your corner whose got your back through all of those little valleys, the peaks become that much higher, and that's what stokes the passion. Of course, I am the rational one, so I would think that.