Driving in SoCal

Driving can be an experience regardless of where you are. I'm sure each region has its own particular brand of drivers. Being from St. Louis, there are only three speeds you can go in a car; 20 mph over the speed limit, rush hour (about 5-10 mph), and Manchester Rd. (you have a better chance at having another birthday before you get to your destination). Driving in SoCal is a bit different. I know that each area has its own little subtle differences. For example, the rush hour on the 405 through LA runs from roughly 3:30 am - 10:45 pm every day except Sunday. Speed limits in San Diego county are more of a suggestion. If you're doing 85 in the fast lane, expect to have someone on your ass flashing their brights. I live in Santa Barbara, and these are some of my pet peeves about driving here:

1. Roundabouts: If you've never had the pleasure of experiencing a roundabout (or traffic circle), allow me to explain. It's a big circle meant to take the place of a four way stop or control traffic at an intersection where more than 4 roads intersect. The roads all pour into a circle, and traffic entering the circle yields to traffic inside the circle. All traffic moves counter-clockwise. All roads coming into the circle have yield signs. In theory, drivers approach the roundabout, briefly yield to check for traffic in the circle, then continue in a counter-clockwise direction through the circle to their destination. Cars entering the circle stop if, and ONLY if, there is traffic in the circle. Sounds easy enough right? Apparently you haven't driven in Santa Barbara. People approach roundabouts like cavemen looking at the first flame. They're not quite sure how to approach it; should they go really fast and just blow into it? Should they drive reaaaalllllly slow like it's a vortex that might swallow their car if they approach without the right amount of hesitation? It seems like approaching drivers all seem to take the same approach before entering; come to a complete fucking stop regardless of whether there's traffic to yield to or not.

Now I may not have the driver's handbook completely memorized, but I'm pretty sure a stop sign is a big, bright red octagon with the word STOP in big white letters, right? Now look at that one right in front of you; a big triangle with the word YIELD written on it. I know, very similar, but if you look closely, they are NOT the same. Stopping when there is no traffic in the round about totally and completely defeats the purpose of the roundabout, to quickly and efficiently move traffic through an intersection. But my biggest pet peeve, and this seems to be a Santa Barbara only thing, is people actually stopping IN the round about to wait for traffic to enter the roundabout. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!? You have the right of way! This is akin to stopping in the middle of the highway to let the guy in front of you change lanes. Put your foot on the skinny pedal to your right and FUCKING DRIVE!

2. Weather: OK, I have a leg up on driving in weather being from the midwest. I've driven in rain, sleet, snow, hail, lightning, and quite possibly a small tornado. I've also had to stop on the highway for cows. Don't laugh, you wouldn't want to hit a cow, they can seriously destroy your car, and if you bruise a steak it doesn't taste nearly as good later. In SoCal the seasons are much different. We have fire season, where it's super-dry, windy as hell, and everyone watches for puffs of smoke on the horizon. We have the rainy season, which consists of 1-2 weeks of moderate drizzle and an occasional heavy rain that lasts for about 10 minutes. And we have Oscar season, when all anybody talks about is the fucking Oscars and all you want to do is smack people who think The Rachel Zoe Project is relevant to anything that's happening in the world. I swear to god, if I hear one more person say something is "bananas" or turn the word amazing into a-ma-zing I'm gonna strangle them. These seasons make up about 1 month of the year. The rest of the year is summer, or some variation of summer. Santa Barbara stays between 45 and 85 basically all year. We have one month of occasional rain, and that's it. Every once in a while you can see a dusting of snow on the mountains, but that's at 3,000 feet and above, where there is basically one road.

When it does rain, good lord make sure you wear your seat belt. People in Santa Barbara seem to forget that cars are made to drive faster than 25 mph on the highway in a light drizzle. Or that the stalk on the right of the steering wheel turns on these things called "windshield wipers" that magically make your windshield free of water. I can't count how many times I've passed people on the highway in annoyingly light rain (you know that rain that's too light to even put your wipers on intermittent, you just keep turning them on every few minutes, but then they make that annoying screeching sound because it's not raining hard enough, so you turn them back off again, only to repeat the process a minute later) and looked over to see them gripping the wheel as if they're driving 85 mph off a cliff into the Grand Canyon. You can read the sheer terror on their faces. It's even worse when you realize that all the traffic around you has slowed to 30 mph on the highway because a semi is spraying water off the rear wheels. Do people not realize that if they just speed up they don't have to sit in the semi-wash anymore? And driving in town is even worse. People slow to a crawl. You know it's bad when old ladies are passing you on their HoverRounds.

3. Signs in general: In Santa Barbara people treat traffic signals and signs as mere suggestions of what they should do or options should they decide that would suit them the best. I've already spoken about this in the roundabout section, but it's also true for signs around town. This afternoon I was approaching an intersection where I had a green light. Obviously the person traveling perpendicular to me had a red light. It was the middle of the day, tons of pedestrians around, and on a well-traveled street. I was about 100 yards away and she simply drove through the intersection, completely running the red light. She had been stopped too; meaning that she just went completely brain dead for a second and thought she was at a stop sign, or she just decided that there was no danger and she was just going to go. I'm not sure which one's more frightening. I can't even begin to count how many times I've seen this in Santa Barbara. Maybe everyone's just caught up in all the natural beauty, maybe some people just don't give a shit about anyone else, or maybe there ARE too many legal marijuana dispensaries in town.

Either way, people need to start paying attention and showing others some respect on the road, or one day I just might snap and go A-Team/Mad Max on my Honda Civic and start taking the law into my own hands. Although in an area where Hummers are still badges of honor, the only person I might be able to take is the lady on the HoverRound. That'll teach her to pass me.