Marriage and Divorce

One of the perks of my job is that, for a couple hours in the morning, I can listen to the radio. Usually I just like to have it tuned to KCLU, which is the station that hosts NPR. It's nice because for the most part the discussions provide nice white noise as I sort through countless emails, banging endlessly on my computer keyboard but making sure my BlackBerry doesn't feel left out. During this time there is a show on called "On Point." It's a two hour long discussion show that covers a wide range of topics, from politics and the wars in the Middle East to unemployment and the financial crisis. Sometimes the topics covered are sociological; such as the discussion on Amelia Earhart. Most of the time I tune the discussion out, picking up a few good sound bytes in between emails. However, sometimes the topics are really interesting to me and I try to listen more closely. Today's topic was especially interesting to my current situation. It was about the state of marriage, and more in-depth the state of divorce in an ever-changing economy. The discussion centered on how the rising wages of women and the current economic crisis have changed the face of divorce. It got me thinking about divorce in general and our generation's take on marriage and divorce.

The discussion today centered more around the nuts and bolts of spousal support after a divorce. Typically the woman has collected alimony from the man based on his level of income and how much investment and earning power the woman may have lost by raising a family. Obviously this is becoming a very antiquated view of marriage. Gone are the days when all marriages are as black and white as the man going to the office all day, making all the family's money, and the wife staying home and raising kids. While this still may be very much the norm in certain places, more and more women are continuing to work while also raising a family, and many men are taking time off to either help raise the kids or be the stay-at-home parent. Roles are blurring and often reversing, which makes the whole question of alimony very tricky. However, the part of the discussion that really caught my attention centered around the argument that the current generation of 20 and 30 somethings has a much different view of marriage and divorce than older generations.

Being 31, many of my friends are either married or are getting married within the next year. Some of my friends even have kids now, which is frightening considering some of the images that are burned into my mind from high school and college. I've seen all kinds of engagements; long ones, short ones, fun ones and weird ones. And I've seen a few marriages; long ones, short ones, fun ones and weird ones. I have a very happily married friend with a baby boy who's already breaking hearts. I have a friend who's marriage is in a state of limbo right now, and I have a friend who has already dealt with a not-so-nice divorce. So you could say that I've had a little experience with marriages in all different states. That got me wondering if our generation looks at marriage a whole lot different than our parents did.

The argument on NPR this morning was that members of our generation (mid 20's-mid 30's) are more apt to approach marriage more casually because we are much more familiar with divorce than our parents were. We enter into marriages with less thought and pragmatism. We approach marriage with the idea that if things go wrong, there's always divorce. We always have in the back of our minds that there is a way out.

I tend to agree with this. While statistics show that we have grown up with more divorces than our parents, many members of our parent's generation had to deal with unhealthy and often abusive marriages. Divorce wasn't an much of an option (if it was an option at all) for my grandparent's generation. But with my parent's generation people started to realize that sometimes those vows really can't last forever. Sometimes in good times and in bad really means only in good times. And unfortunately sometimes til death do us part really means until death do us part. It almost did for my mom, on numerous occasions. If it wasn't for divorce, I have no doubt that we would have both been killed at the hands of my biological father. Divorce can be good, and sometimes it can be necessary. However, once it became more socially acceptable, it does seem like people started to get married with less focus on the consequences of that union. We only need to look at the brisk business the Vegas wedding chapels do to see that some of these marriages are headed for divorce before the vows are even uttered. Granted, Vegas weddings are sometimes booze and drug-fueled, but how quick would those same people be to pull the trigger if divorce and annulment weren't such accepted options to a poorly thought out decision?

I think that my generation has cheapened marriage a little bit, but I'm hoping that we can reverse that trend. The marriages that I've seen fail haven't failed because the people got married on a whim or didn't love each other; they failed because sometimes things just aren't meant to be. I know that everyone says they only want to get married once and it starts to sound cliche, but that's a really good goal to have. When you enter into something as serious as a marriage you shouldn't be counting on the fact that you can bail when the first signs of trouble appear. Marriage should be looked at as a lifelong commitment. Sometimes things don't work out, but you have to be willing to fight like hell before it gets to the point of no return. So many couples aren't willing to put in the hard work and effort that it sometimes takes to get through the hard stuff; but in the end it's getting through the hard stuff with your spouse that makes you realize why you're partners in the first place. Sometimes divorce is the easy way out and it doesn't give you the opportunity to really learn how you and your spouse handle adversity as a couple.

The beginning of a relationship is always filled with good stuff. You just GET each other. You laugh at each others jokes. The way she always snorts when she laughs is hilarious. You love how she always wants to try your food. You let her hold the remote. Sex is so amazing it's like rainbow-colored unicorns are shooting pure awesomeness into your veins. But things change. Sometimes you have no idea what the hell she's saying. Your jokes are stupid. You wonder why she has to snort so loud when she laughs. You wish she would have just ordered what you ordered so she could eat her own damn food. No way she's touching the remote. And sometimes you work too hard and too long and the only rainbow-colored awesomeness you're interested in is the kind that comes with hard-core REM sleep.

Getting a new partner is easy. Remembering why you love somebody so much you'd promise to spend the rest of your life with them sometimes isn't. But that's what makes it so damn special.